Not for the Faint of Heart, the Non-believers, or Those Who Follow the Masses

I like it in this place. This place where I'm at now. Small local coffee shop - well - there are various locations around this Colorado town, but this one in particular makes me feel secluded in many ways, where others expose me, at least that’s how it feels. People here come and go, they don't linger very long as they do in your Starbucks corporations or over crowded city coffee houses [although I do admire those]. No, this one is out in suburbia and although that is not my ideal place to dwell, it does have its perks. The kids out here seem more innocent and educated. Perhaps that's just an illusion. They seem different though, and I like that. More diversity is needed but I'm sure that will come with time; we are in the mountains after all. I adore coffee houses, tea shops, and nearly anything that resembles it. You come to sit in a place with electricity and internet power, purchase goods to sustain your energy and concentration, and in return can sit for hours on end utilizing their resources to fuel your creativity. In this moment I couldn't ask for a better setting. 

To get down to the meat and potatoes here, I'm lost. At least I feel like I'm lost. In limbo. Unsure of where I'm headed or if I'm even headed anywhere at all. Most days I feel stagnant, yet I'm so tired from running. Most days I have no motivation. I don't know why. I'm frustrated with myself over it. I want change - to be change, to make change, to inspire it. Yet, I cannot conjure up enough gumption to make change happen for me in my own life, let alone inspire others toward a movement. Perhaps that’s the problem, I'm doing things out of order. I need to take a few steps back and really focus on myself and my own direction, my own personal growth. I'm inpatient. I always have been. I need to learn. Life lesson, I'm sure of it. Regardless, I can't even say I'm at a crossroads. Well, perhaps I am. A crossroads of expectations, self-doubt, and responsibility.

To put it bluntly, I need money. Not because I want to be rich or famous, not because I'm greedy or selfish. But because I need to survive. I need to fund my existence on this earth. You can't do much of anything without money, at least that’s what they tell us. It's frustrating. I wish the world ran on love. I'm sure even that phenomenon would have its complications, but roles would seemingly be inverse. Hearts that are cold and brash become poor and sick, hearts that are full and genuine would get richer by the minute; to the point that they wouldn't know what to do with all their wealth but to keep giving it away to the less fortunate. What has the world come to? I know the top 1% want to stay right where they are, watching while the rest of us suffer and burn. How could anyone be that way? Sure, I don't understand it because I've never been there and I'm certainly glad and grateful that I haven't for that very reason. To be born into a sheltered, shallow, selfish, and materialistic existence. It's hell on earth. Truly. To fund humanity on the existence of love would be a spectacular fete. Those who've been wounded and burned but are pure in spirit would learn to rise and recycle their experiences through the process, learning, gaining time and wisdom. And with each step they take toward love, toward growth - they'd then grow in wealth and prosperity. Contrary, the inverse would result in poverty and disappear, and there, they would remain until they learned differently. What a world that would be. How different it would look and feel. 

I truly just want to take time. I want money to take time to learn about myself, about others, about perspectives and life as we've come to know it. I want to learn as much as I can so I can examine it, challenge it where it needs challenging and then teach of what I've come to know. I want more than to just be a singer, a dancer, an actress, an entertainer. I want more than to just be a non-traditional business woman, an entrepreneur. I want more than to cook, to own a restaurant, a night club, a coffee shop. To create more than a TV series, to do more than produce music and movies, and gain recognition and fortune from it. I'd like to get quiet. I'd like to learn things. I'd like a mentor. I'd like to reflect and write for a while. Travel the world and experience it from a different perspective and have it add to my own in the process. I just want to live. Is all of that just not what we call living? I don't want to wait until I'm 65 before I'm able to do it according to societal norm, this country, this moment in time among our history. I've always challenged the status quo - I've gotten myself into a heap of trouble because of it too. At least in regards to money. It's all about money. This man made tangible thing that has turned us all upside down. It's told us what we're worth, literally and metaphorically speaking. It's caused pain and struggle, greed and selfishness, battle and murder. We can't see past ourselves anymore. I want to see past myself. The only way to do it is to suffer? To fall behind? To lose any material possessions I may have obtained in my life up to this point? They'll tell me I’m in debt, that I'll lose my car, that I have bad credit so I can't buy a house, that I'm next to nothing and only worth the $3.47 that rests in my bank account. But that isn't true. I am worth so much more. I am a human being. I am living and breathing and I have goals and aspirations and drive and stamina. I have a passion, many passions; specifically for people and for what life means and how to get closer to enlightenment. I have faith, and hope and I’m building a belief system that will soon be impenetrable. Don’t tell me I have to work three dead end jobs to make ends meet. Don't tell me that I'll travel when I can manage to save the money, don't tell me I have to work anything close to a corporate job in order to make enough to survive and lead a "happy" life in the eyes of the masses. Don't tell me! Do not measure the worth of my existence off the back of how much I earn in a fiscal year. Do not measure my worth based on how many professions I've had, how much schooling I did, how many places I've been or traveled. Do not measure my worth in numbers or words and place invalid judgments on me or anyone else when you know nothing about me or other people at large. Do not tell me I don't deserve to live well, eat well, and be well because "I cannot afford to live in luxury". We all deserve to live, eat, and be well and if that is luxury we are more twisted than we think we are. I am not the result of my illnesses. I am in control of my present and my future. I am worthy of much more than they can wrap their heads around. I am wealthy, I am healthy, I am prosperous, I am successful, I am the movement. I believe. I am a believer, a doer, a mover, a shaker, a challenger to all those who would like to place me and others like me in a square box. I am not just my physical appearance, my curly hair, my curves or just the sum of my characteristics. I am my soul and spirit and intuition. I am, just as you are, the stuff of legend.

I want to be my own person - I may not know exactly what that means right now, but I want to stay on the path to finding out. I want to create a movement. To teach people what I know and what I've come to find on my path. I am unconventional and there are many things that I could do right now to get me from point A to point B, but I truly desire to go on the path I’ve started going down now. Not feeling the pressures of a 9-5 job. Not falling in line with society. Sleeping in, resting well. Reading, writing, spending my days hiking surrounded by nature, traveling and learning. I want to understand more. I want to be someone who makes a difference. Who not only sees differently and acts differently but who lives just as differently, every day. No limitations, no constraints. No one to sit from across a desk and measure my worth or compare me to others in front or behind me. I'm telling you I would not place myself somewhere or in front of someone if I did not think I could do it. It - the job. Most of my stress comes from what other people think or perceive me as; knowing that, at any given moment, I have about an hour to prove myself and show someone all the parts of who I am and exactly why I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I do not want to live in the shadow of someone else perception. Why should I? Why should any of us? I'm no less worthy because I'd like to work less than 40 hours a week and enjoy how life is truly meant to be lived. As oppose to my counterpart who would work 80 hours if you needed them to in the name of fortune, in the name of proving oneself to someone else who sits in a desk at a much higher level in an office building. In the name of gaining a lifestyle that they could never fully come to enjoy because of all the expectations made by those very same people - sitting there dictating your worth and how your life will and should play out if you "expect to get anywhere and make something of yourself". Stop. The only different between them and me [us] is that they chose to look through the perspective the masses set us up to look through. My worth, stamina and drive is the same. Sure, the thought process might be different, but wasn't every successful persons thought process different at some point? Wasn't there, at every turn of a revelation, a different thought process?

I am a leader, a person that is inspired by many and who wants to inspire all. I am distinctive and I want to teach distinctively. I want to be a motivational speaker, a public trail blazer, someone for others to look up to, to encourage to think in contrast. To highlight the importance of self-growth, awareness, and reflection. Live outside of the box, not just off the grid, not just in the name of rebellion. But with true purpose, that purpose being a shift in our awareness - knowing exactly who we are and what we are capable of, not just digesting a regurgitated truth. Only seeing what they want us to see; only gaining the perspective they want us to gain; only being as educated as they'd like us to be. I am here to lead a resistance and teach a concept [or many concepts] that is beyond what they've allowed our imagination to believe. 

You've Got a Friend in Me ...

I've managed to lose a lot of friends over the years. I think most of that has to do with the fact that I've set expectations within said friendships that I couldn't deliver upon. At one point I was infatuated with being liked by everyone, to the point where I was giving so much of myself and my time that I wasn't making who I was or wanted to be a priority. I had so many people leaning on me at once that my schedule [and my life] got completely out of hand. I was living and breathing for everyone but me. No one could really see it or understand it, the only part anyone felt was my absence once I left. I wanted, no, needed a change and couldn't take the pressure of

other peoples expectations any longer.

Perhaps I didn't go about it the right way, and because of that I feel like I've lost a lot of really great meaningful people in my life that have been vitally important to my growth as a person. Regardless, I knew at the time I needed an out to get my priorities straight and to start living for myself. 

These days I think it takes a very special type of person to tolerate being in any type of relationship with me, whether it be friendship or otherwise. I'm over the top ambitious. I more often than not have 50 projects going on at once, meetings, trips, and days where I decide to shut myself off from the world around me so I'm able to reflect and gain strength to keep going. If anything, those who have stuck around long enough know I always come back around and I'll sit down and reflect with you on complications, love, and all the proponents of life as we know it, but gaping holes of time might show up more often than I do. Not because I want it that way, but mainly because I'm scattered with my passions and ideologies of changing the world. 

The bigger lesson here I guess is to be grateful for all those who have crossed your path. Some will not be so willing to forgive and forget, others come back around, and seldom adapt and see things through. No matter, just take responsibility for your actions, apologize when necessary, and know that you can't change everyone's mind about you - but the hope is that one day you'll be able to change their heart. 

I've Decided

I’ve decided that my goal in life is to make people feel happy, the way I strive to make "her" feel happy every day [she knows who she is]. Recently, it’s been a struggle just to keep a smile on my own face, but I’m determined to change my entire life around. My thoughts, my emotions, my energy sequence when something negative happens - I'm in need of a spiritual overhaul. A wise woman once shared a quote that I believe everyone should live by: “Life is 10% of what happens and 90% how we react to it” – I think that’s ingenious and a concept that can be applied well. I know it takes lots of effort to support a happy life style and a happy disposition, but it takes no less effort to get up every morning and go to the job that we must go to in order to survive or to take care of the responsibilities that we have to take care of on a daily basis. Why not apply those same efforts into our personal life as well? It has to start somewhere, let it start with you.

 

I know it’s typical for people to jump into a place of frustration, sadness, and disappointment when things don’t go our way. But why take that route when it makes you feel less of as a person? Feeling is the manifestation of our thoughts. When we feel badly or negatively, more negatives come to fruition. When we feel GOOD, goodness and positivity rein, around and throughout our life. Think about that for a moment. You have the power to change your situation minute to minute, day to day. You are in control. It may be difficult to cultivate this positivity [trust me I know], but it’s just a matter of you making a decision. It’s really that simple. Decide from this moment you’ll take in all the good, let it generate throughout your entire body and soul; and wait for the Universe to bring about what you think about most. Be happy and grateful above all things, and watch the miracles take place in reality, in your life.

 

Grow to Know, the Difference

I've recently found myself in the company of some pretty amazing people. Some with similar outlooks and opinions on life and love, and others with quite the opposing view. While, I cherish the perspective of all people who confide in me and seek my advice [and remain open minded] I still rely upon my inner moral compass, which lays the foundation for my point of view.

That being said, I've run into an interesting individual. I've spent a good amount of time having conversations over coffee, deliberating over lengthy telephone calls, as well as face to face. I thrive on open conversation that holds such depth and detail, as ours do. I find you come to various conclusions about life in general, once you engage in said conversations.

One main concept we discussed is growth between two people in a relationship. I think a relationship becomes stagnant, or otherwise unhealthy if two people aren't growing together, much less at the same growth rate. Many-a-times when this happens a clash happens [you know, disagreements, arguments, bickering - or my favorite term, world war III]. Someone gets too comfortable and decides that the day-to-day is good enough; or that nothing is wrong with how they conduct themselves, express their feelings, etc. While the other person presents themselves as a challenge to the other person [or nag], because a noticeable difference in the relational dynamic has unveiled itself over a period of time.

I feel this is a clear indication that you haven't found "the one" just another "one", if you will. I think when two people are on the same page in nearly all avenues of a relationship things tend to go a lot more smoothly. It just is - and when that happens you'll just know. Things fit together ever so nicely, and whatever tension or 'uncomfrortability' you were used to feeling is not as prevalent. This isn't to say those infamous disagreements and preemptive frustrations won't exist, because they absolutely do, and will present themselves accordingly. But the severity won't be nearly as bad and things will seemingly be worked out with more ease.

So what would I like you to get out this post? Challenge your point of view, examine yourself, your partner and your relationship as a whole. Are you both growing together? Growing apart? Growing at nearly the same rate? Or not at all? Is it adding to your life, or taking away from it? If you don't feel yourself learning and growing, there's a problem.

A Personal Note...

My soul is rich, not as in currency - but rather, as in well rounded wealth. Something pure and decadent, complex but deliciously addicting. Like that double fudge chocolate brownie loaded with way too many calories; or an intoxicating new fragrance that you can't seem to get enough of. At least at first.

Regardless of said intoxicating scents or sinfully delicious desserts, I suppose these things can become repetitive after awhile and eventually you start to crave something that offers a difference. I often feel I have an overwhelming richness. Perhaps too potent for those faint of heart or those who simply prefer not to handle such intoxication's.

Some of the most inspirational people are rich in spirit, much like myself [overwhelming or not]. I feel I can't even put words behind the meaning I'm searching to describe. Maybe it is better expressed in song. Like "Pearls" by Sade. This song moves me in ways that I was unaware I could be moved. It conjures up something precious inside of me; that thing that sets me apart from so many. I know I'm not the only one, but for the life of me, I feel alone in this awareness at times. It allows me to feel complete in the moment, even when I consciously am surrounded by no one. In those same moments I am able to reflect on the past and all that it has taught me, and how it has paved my individual path. I am so grateful for this.

 Even in the darkest and dank areas in this world, still lies beauty that resonates calmness and purity. And in that symbolism, is where I live. It allows me to keep hope and faith even when it comes to what the world dubs as impossible. It allows the love I have to offer, to flourish with resilience; regardless of my short comings, bruised heart, and battered soul. It's still rich. And it will always be rich, and only become richer when it is nurtured by the right heart, the right person.

I will not long for completeness - like I do now - forever. After all, don't some people crave richness? Even the overwhelming kind? Of this I can't be sure, but, I will find out. There's a force stronger than nature, it keeps my will alive. Keeps my love deep and abundant. It highlights the rareness in me. That rareness has such beauty, but it is not always understood. It is not always cradled as it should be. Sometimes it is bullied or negatively looked upon by the realists of the world, or those who fail to understand. It doesn't mean a thing. Many of the worlds greatest minds were poorly understood, it doesn't make them any less credible. It just took the lot of us to finally catch on. And those same people are in our history books, making us think, scores later. I'm one of those. Who is reading this? Who is listening? Who is paying attention? Come, hold my hand and walk with me. Even if you don't fully understand, that's ok. Because in this lifetime it only takes faith. Not the religious kind or the traditional or conventional faith. Its one that isn't easily explained or taught. But it does exist. And that's all you need to know.

Sade "Pearls":  http://youtu.be/un8xpMnsf9U

Stay Above Water...

It's difficult to stay above water. What I mean by that? I often use it as an analogy of sorts to describe what it's like to have a full, well rounded, and rational view on a circumstance, person, place, or even relational experience. I know personally, I am guilty for letting my deeper rooted emotions get the best of me in the heat of the moment. I consider myself a very passionate person, so in any given situation [if it's something I feel strong enough about] I usually blurt out whatever comes to mind first. This can prove to be a good and bad trait I find. Although it is always preferable to speak your mind and be as honest as possible, there are moments which call for a re-evaluation of sorts. I let the fiery side of me [if you will] get carried away, thus exposing my most embarrassing display of verbal diarrhea. It gets me in a heap of trouble. And it's only usually the morning after that I'm able to better understand the jist of the concept or process at hand.

Far too often we find ourselves sinking six feet under. Getting caught up in past term oil, subconscious pain, not so fond memories, jealousy, spite, and any other pessimistic human emotion (insert adjective here). It blocks us from seeing a deeper meaning or higher truth about a subject. Thus, causing us to go from staying afloat, to sinking below the surface and getting lost in the sauce.

Believe me, I know these concepts are difficult. I have my own daily struggles, but it is imperative to separate a reaction from an action, from an overreaction. It takes time and practice, however, maintaining an aerial view of things will ensure rational behaviors as well as sanity.

Luxuries of Singledom

Up until very recently, I've always been mildly obsessed with the future; future house, future car, future love - and a precise enunciation on the latter of the three. Although I believe it is important to have a distinct outlook on what we want in life, there's no particular need to have it all planned out. Life is unpredictable [this has been proven to me many times over] and so 'planning the future' will only serve as disappointment if things don't end up going our way. If we truly want something, whether it be materialistic or otherwise, manifestation is an all encompassing power that we all have the ability to hone. This will bring about what we think about most and coincides with the laws of attraction. If some of you are unfamiliar with this "law" please refer to "The Secret", a marvelous book [and DVD] which sums up this very real philosophy. Although there is so much more to "The Secret" and its explanations, it is an introductory guide to an even larger truth. Enlighten yourself and expand your mind, I promise you won't regret it.

Back to basics, I often ask myself (as well as many others), what's the rush?! I too was one of those girls back in high school, reflecting on when I'd have life all put together, what I would be and the things I would have accomplished. I'd be married by 24 and possibly have children, no later than 28; I'd be in the entertainment industry, own a big house and a few nice cars. Was I serious (insert exacerbated sarcastic voice here)?? My sexual preference not only changed, but everything about who I was and who I was going to be did as well. I'm currently in my late 20's, more single than ever, and am an aspiring entrepreneur on various levels. I have no children [nor do I think I will ever have them] and I've decided that I forfeit this 'planned' futuristic outcome and just let the universe guide me where I need to be as oppose to attempting to control how my life will unfold. And who needs marriage at this age? For those of you who have found "the one" I applaud you and only wish you the best in this life, but for those of us who haven't been so successful in this discovery, let us remember we have the rest of our lives to figure it out and settle down! Putting a time frame and feeling rushed to jump into a lifelong commitment shouldn't be something to fret about, at least not now - if ever. It will come when it comes, when it's suppose to; just as that fancy house and that nice car or anything else we've come to desire.

I'm embracing this 'singledom', if you will. I'm learning that your 20's, in particular, are the best of your trial and error years. Taking the time to discover who you are and how you want to create yourself is a vital part of the foundation you set that will support that rest of your life. Once you are comfortable enough in your own skin, know where you're going and where you want to go, unlocks this empowerment within and allows you to fall in love with, you. Knowing exactly who you are and what you have to offer is fundamental before entering into any relationship or commitment. Sit back, relax, manifest in your greatest desires and get to know yourself first and foremost. Everything else will come in time as it should.

Let's Look Outside the Box Shall We?

I think many of us look for great change, especially now-a-days with the economy the way it is and this sense of uncertainty that sort of looms in the air around us during these trying days. But no great change comes without risk and the ability to look outside of ourselves, and, what we've been accustom to for what seems like the majority of our lives. I'll use myself as an example to clarify what I mean.

I know I feel like I'm going through this quarter life crisis and it was a series of unfortunate events that has lead me to this very moment, however, I know I wouldn't be on this path of self discovery and creation if I hadn't suffered the way that I did. I made a conscious decision to look outside of  the box and view myself, as well as the world, differently then I had been viewing it before. Although I always strive to gain better perspectives on life itself, I feel as though my angles were a bit tainted. Perhaps it had to do with my up bringing or the way I've learned to shield myself from certain realities in efforts to protect myself from various vulnerabilities. But nothing great ever comes from playing it safe, I don't necessarily mean that in the literal sense.

Any type of monumental growth comes from evolution and change. Not that we should strive for this change because of a mate, friend or family member; we have to want this change for ourselves - and not just want it but put it into action. It takes tremendous strength and serious self awareness, but with our friend Father Time, I feel all things are possible.

If you find yourself in limbo or unhappy due to whatever circumstances you are facing, remember you always have the option to turn things around. So stop making excuses for yourself, stop playing it safe all the time, and stop telling yourself that you just cant; because that isn't good enough. You can, everyone can, and you will, you just have to take the first step - I promise it will get easier after that.

Leading a Horse to Water Doesn't Mean it Will Drink!

How frustrating is it to give solid advice to someone who says they need it [want it] but they refuse to actually take it? I'm faced with this on a daily basis, and the frustration only builds on top of itself! I know I've had many friends come to me with their life struggles, trials, and tribulations in search for the ultimate guidance. But sometimes I find that people like to hear themselves talk or even worse hand you an invitation to their pity party, because we all know one's a lonely number, and misery loves company!

Others constantly go in circles with the same issues, stuck in a revolving door of sorts. For me, and many others I know, it's difficult to see close friends and family in this position. Especially when you know the appropriated changes one can make to ensure a better quality of life. From the outside looking in, it can be so easy to diagnose the problem and suggest, what we feel, as an obvious solution. But, many people get caught up in their own term oil so deeply they are literally convinced they are nearly permanently stuck there with no outlet or evidence of light at the end of the tunnel.

This can be based on a number of different things, from a snowball of hardships, to an extreme pessimist. Regardless, I know I'm guilty of taking on others problems as if they were my own, to the point where I start to feel responsible for their unhappiness because I'm so aware of what they need to do to change their current situation or outlook. That is the wrong way to look at things. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to give others advice or guidance it doesn't mean they will actually put the work into taking it. People can hear what you are saying but they themselves have to fully arrived at a decision or a solution before they can start to act on it and incorporate it into their lives. Inevitably this causes a ripple effect of evolution and change that can assist in turning their circumstance around, but it is only effective once they have accepted the effort it will take.

So, yes, although we can lead a horse to water doesn't mean we can make it drink, they have to want to quench their own thirst, and although as horse owners we want the horse to hydrate themselves with a serious passion, our want won't out weigh their efforts or lack there of. So don't feel responsible if the horse drops dead from dehydration [ha, ok that was a harsh analogy but you get what I mean].

Forgive Me Not?

I think one of the most important things to keep in mind when struggling through a break up, is, to take a hard look at yourself. I know most of us feel angry at the other party, for all the ways they've wronged against us, but we all know that classic saying "it takes two"; and it certainly does. Although in my personal experience I've gathered one party can feel like they've been wronged far worse than the other, the string only unravels if it is tugged at each end. We all know it can be quite impossible to forget, but it is vitally important to forgive; it is the only way we are able to move on successfully.