Not for the Faint of Heart, the Non-believers, or Those Who Follow the Masses

I like it in this place. This place where I'm at now. Small local coffee shop - well - there are various locations around this Colorado town, but this one in particular makes me feel secluded in many ways, where others expose me, at least that’s how it feels. People here come and go, they don't linger very long as they do in your Starbucks corporations or over crowded city coffee houses [although I do admire those]. No, this one is out in suburbia and although that is not my ideal place to dwell, it does have its perks. The kids out here seem more innocent and educated. Perhaps that's just an illusion. They seem different though, and I like that. More diversity is needed but I'm sure that will come with time; we are in the mountains after all. I adore coffee houses, tea shops, and nearly anything that resembles it. You come to sit in a place with electricity and internet power, purchase goods to sustain your energy and concentration, and in return can sit for hours on end utilizing their resources to fuel your creativity. In this moment I couldn't ask for a better setting. 

To get down to the meat and potatoes here, I'm lost. At least I feel like I'm lost. In limbo. Unsure of where I'm headed or if I'm even headed anywhere at all. Most days I feel stagnant, yet I'm so tired from running. Most days I have no motivation. I don't know why. I'm frustrated with myself over it. I want change - to be change, to make change, to inspire it. Yet, I cannot conjure up enough gumption to make change happen for me in my own life, let alone inspire others toward a movement. Perhaps that’s the problem, I'm doing things out of order. I need to take a few steps back and really focus on myself and my own direction, my own personal growth. I'm inpatient. I always have been. I need to learn. Life lesson, I'm sure of it. Regardless, I can't even say I'm at a crossroads. Well, perhaps I am. A crossroads of expectations, self-doubt, and responsibility.

To put it bluntly, I need money. Not because I want to be rich or famous, not because I'm greedy or selfish. But because I need to survive. I need to fund my existence on this earth. You can't do much of anything without money, at least that’s what they tell us. It's frustrating. I wish the world ran on love. I'm sure even that phenomenon would have its complications, but roles would seemingly be inverse. Hearts that are cold and brash become poor and sick, hearts that are full and genuine would get richer by the minute; to the point that they wouldn't know what to do with all their wealth but to keep giving it away to the less fortunate. What has the world come to? I know the top 1% want to stay right where they are, watching while the rest of us suffer and burn. How could anyone be that way? Sure, I don't understand it because I've never been there and I'm certainly glad and grateful that I haven't for that very reason. To be born into a sheltered, shallow, selfish, and materialistic existence. It's hell on earth. Truly. To fund humanity on the existence of love would be a spectacular fete. Those who've been wounded and burned but are pure in spirit would learn to rise and recycle their experiences through the process, learning, gaining time and wisdom. And with each step they take toward love, toward growth - they'd then grow in wealth and prosperity. Contrary, the inverse would result in poverty and disappear, and there, they would remain until they learned differently. What a world that would be. How different it would look and feel. 

I truly just want to take time. I want money to take time to learn about myself, about others, about perspectives and life as we've come to know it. I want to learn as much as I can so I can examine it, challenge it where it needs challenging and then teach of what I've come to know. I want more than to just be a singer, a dancer, an actress, an entertainer. I want more than to just be a non-traditional business woman, an entrepreneur. I want more than to cook, to own a restaurant, a night club, a coffee shop. To create more than a TV series, to do more than produce music and movies, and gain recognition and fortune from it. I'd like to get quiet. I'd like to learn things. I'd like a mentor. I'd like to reflect and write for a while. Travel the world and experience it from a different perspective and have it add to my own in the process. I just want to live. Is all of that just not what we call living? I don't want to wait until I'm 65 before I'm able to do it according to societal norm, this country, this moment in time among our history. I've always challenged the status quo - I've gotten myself into a heap of trouble because of it too. At least in regards to money. It's all about money. This man made tangible thing that has turned us all upside down. It's told us what we're worth, literally and metaphorically speaking. It's caused pain and struggle, greed and selfishness, battle and murder. We can't see past ourselves anymore. I want to see past myself. The only way to do it is to suffer? To fall behind? To lose any material possessions I may have obtained in my life up to this point? They'll tell me I’m in debt, that I'll lose my car, that I have bad credit so I can't buy a house, that I'm next to nothing and only worth the $3.47 that rests in my bank account. But that isn't true. I am worth so much more. I am a human being. I am living and breathing and I have goals and aspirations and drive and stamina. I have a passion, many passions; specifically for people and for what life means and how to get closer to enlightenment. I have faith, and hope and I’m building a belief system that will soon be impenetrable. Don’t tell me I have to work three dead end jobs to make ends meet. Don't tell me that I'll travel when I can manage to save the money, don't tell me I have to work anything close to a corporate job in order to make enough to survive and lead a "happy" life in the eyes of the masses. Don't tell me! Do not measure the worth of my existence off the back of how much I earn in a fiscal year. Do not measure my worth based on how many professions I've had, how much schooling I did, how many places I've been or traveled. Do not measure my worth in numbers or words and place invalid judgments on me or anyone else when you know nothing about me or other people at large. Do not tell me I don't deserve to live well, eat well, and be well because "I cannot afford to live in luxury". We all deserve to live, eat, and be well and if that is luxury we are more twisted than we think we are. I am not the result of my illnesses. I am in control of my present and my future. I am worthy of much more than they can wrap their heads around. I am wealthy, I am healthy, I am prosperous, I am successful, I am the movement. I believe. I am a believer, a doer, a mover, a shaker, a challenger to all those who would like to place me and others like me in a square box. I am not just my physical appearance, my curly hair, my curves or just the sum of my characteristics. I am my soul and spirit and intuition. I am, just as you are, the stuff of legend.

I want to be my own person - I may not know exactly what that means right now, but I want to stay on the path to finding out. I want to create a movement. To teach people what I know and what I've come to find on my path. I am unconventional and there are many things that I could do right now to get me from point A to point B, but I truly desire to go on the path I’ve started going down now. Not feeling the pressures of a 9-5 job. Not falling in line with society. Sleeping in, resting well. Reading, writing, spending my days hiking surrounded by nature, traveling and learning. I want to understand more. I want to be someone who makes a difference. Who not only sees differently and acts differently but who lives just as differently, every day. No limitations, no constraints. No one to sit from across a desk and measure my worth or compare me to others in front or behind me. I'm telling you I would not place myself somewhere or in front of someone if I did not think I could do it. It - the job. Most of my stress comes from what other people think or perceive me as; knowing that, at any given moment, I have about an hour to prove myself and show someone all the parts of who I am and exactly why I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I do not want to live in the shadow of someone else perception. Why should I? Why should any of us? I'm no less worthy because I'd like to work less than 40 hours a week and enjoy how life is truly meant to be lived. As oppose to my counterpart who would work 80 hours if you needed them to in the name of fortune, in the name of proving oneself to someone else who sits in a desk at a much higher level in an office building. In the name of gaining a lifestyle that they could never fully come to enjoy because of all the expectations made by those very same people - sitting there dictating your worth and how your life will and should play out if you "expect to get anywhere and make something of yourself". Stop. The only different between them and me [us] is that they chose to look through the perspective the masses set us up to look through. My worth, stamina and drive is the same. Sure, the thought process might be different, but wasn't every successful persons thought process different at some point? Wasn't there, at every turn of a revelation, a different thought process?

I am a leader, a person that is inspired by many and who wants to inspire all. I am distinctive and I want to teach distinctively. I want to be a motivational speaker, a public trail blazer, someone for others to look up to, to encourage to think in contrast. To highlight the importance of self-growth, awareness, and reflection. Live outside of the box, not just off the grid, not just in the name of rebellion. But with true purpose, that purpose being a shift in our awareness - knowing exactly who we are and what we are capable of, not just digesting a regurgitated truth. Only seeing what they want us to see; only gaining the perspective they want us to gain; only being as educated as they'd like us to be. I am here to lead a resistance and teach a concept [or many concepts] that is beyond what they've allowed our imagination to believe. 

A Personal Note...

My soul is rich, not as in currency - but rather, as in well rounded wealth. Something pure and decadent, complex but deliciously addicting. Like that double fudge chocolate brownie loaded with way too many calories; or an intoxicating new fragrance that you can't seem to get enough of. At least at first.

Regardless of said intoxicating scents or sinfully delicious desserts, I suppose these things can become repetitive after awhile and eventually you start to crave something that offers a difference. I often feel I have an overwhelming richness. Perhaps too potent for those faint of heart or those who simply prefer not to handle such intoxication's.

Some of the most inspirational people are rich in spirit, much like myself [overwhelming or not]. I feel I can't even put words behind the meaning I'm searching to describe. Maybe it is better expressed in song. Like "Pearls" by Sade. This song moves me in ways that I was unaware I could be moved. It conjures up something precious inside of me; that thing that sets me apart from so many. I know I'm not the only one, but for the life of me, I feel alone in this awareness at times. It allows me to feel complete in the moment, even when I consciously am surrounded by no one. In those same moments I am able to reflect on the past and all that it has taught me, and how it has paved my individual path. I am so grateful for this.

 Even in the darkest and dank areas in this world, still lies beauty that resonates calmness and purity. And in that symbolism, is where I live. It allows me to keep hope and faith even when it comes to what the world dubs as impossible. It allows the love I have to offer, to flourish with resilience; regardless of my short comings, bruised heart, and battered soul. It's still rich. And it will always be rich, and only become richer when it is nurtured by the right heart, the right person.

I will not long for completeness - like I do now - forever. After all, don't some people crave richness? Even the overwhelming kind? Of this I can't be sure, but, I will find out. There's a force stronger than nature, it keeps my will alive. Keeps my love deep and abundant. It highlights the rareness in me. That rareness has such beauty, but it is not always understood. It is not always cradled as it should be. Sometimes it is bullied or negatively looked upon by the realists of the world, or those who fail to understand. It doesn't mean a thing. Many of the worlds greatest minds were poorly understood, it doesn't make them any less credible. It just took the lot of us to finally catch on. And those same people are in our history books, making us think, scores later. I'm one of those. Who is reading this? Who is listening? Who is paying attention? Come, hold my hand and walk with me. Even if you don't fully understand, that's ok. Because in this lifetime it only takes faith. Not the religious kind or the traditional or conventional faith. Its one that isn't easily explained or taught. But it does exist. And that's all you need to know.

Sade "Pearls":  http://youtu.be/un8xpMnsf9U

Seek A Higher Truth...

Taking the path of least resistance isn't always the smartest choice. In concepts not involved with keeping peace of course, because least resistance in those areas are always preferred. However, in life or in love, the more challenges we face the more skilled we become and the more lessons we learn. Even provided the text books that captivate our nation’s history between hard covers and airy pages, there was great suffering, bravery, and battles before successful reconciliation was had. But it was within those trials and tribulations that we had great triumph. I don't mean in the sense of winning wars or relinquishing slavery, but in the valuable lessons that were learned because of these historic events. Although ignorance still very much exists, rays of hope have never shined so brilliantly. Earth, and all it encompasses, is on the move and a greater truth is slowly arising. But these 'truths' won't make sense to those who haven't peeled back the layers of societal conformities or mistaken conceptualizations of love and what it’s made up of. So dare to agree with me when I say, no, ignorance is not always blissful.

People far too often shun the thought of vulnerability or change, but how are we ever expected to flourish without these ideals? Yes, we must suffer in our own respects, however the universe sees fit, but it's all to bring us closer to a better version of ourselves. Less selfish and more selfless, more giving and less greedy, and wealthy beyond the objectives of money. If only we could all take in these vital life and love lessons we can come to an overwhelming reality, one no rational man would even dare to dream or take seriously. If only we can discard this regurgitated knowledge from "credible sources" and governmental upbringing, we can see vast possibilities far beyond our limited comprehension. We are all equal and apart of one another [please excuse this cliché phrase but it's the only appropriate quote], “the circle of life”.

 The only limitation is ourselves, boggled down with concepts of fact verses fiction because it's what we've been feed for centuries. Once we trudge through these facades of 'reality', we can hone the truth behind ideology and realize we are all part of a greater purpose, and can give just as readily as we receive.