Before You Jump Head First...

I've noticed that love can be difficult. Difficult in a way that's comparable to a classroom full of two year old children, who've just been told Santa doesn't exist, the Easter Bunny is retired, and all you get for Halloween this year are tooth brushes and dental floss. I'll let you take a minute to let that sink in...

I suppose my point is that it's so funny how various people come into our lives at different times for different reasons. Some make a world of sense and are designed as roots in your life. Others are never what you thought you'd allow yourself to encounter, but that experience and their memories still outline the perimeter of your life anyway. And some of us encounter a love so devastating, it makes you question if you'd ever be able to open yourself up again to anyone. Unfortunately, I think I've been exposed to all of these relational concepts and it hasn't proven to be easy to go through. I think I've felt lost for a few years and I'm just now starting to get my bearings again. And so, love is difficult.

Sometimes we have an idea of a person or a relationship - what it should be and who with. What it should consist of. What it should feel like. Oh, how we've been influenced by media and entertainment. Honestly, what books and movies have a right to regurgitate our understanding of how, where, and what love should look and feel like? Do we not all go in our own direction,  down our own path? Doesn't it look and feel different for all of us? I mean, I'd like the fairy tale. I'd like the romantic comedy starring Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. And now that I think about it, perhaps we will get our movie based love - it just won't look exactly like Hollywood portrays it, and we'll have to be ok with that.

I feel now, in today's society it's rare to find people that just want to take the time to get to know one another, before jumping in head first based on particular attractions. It's dangerous, and many people get hurt that way. It would be nice to bring it down a few notches, conduct ourselves like the kids in the 1950's. I want the sweet gestures and outings. I want the ferris wheel  ride at the carnival with cotton candy, the kiss under the stars, and to sport the letter jacket so everyone knows I'm taken. Those were the good times, that old fashion love. Where has that gone? Why don't people take the time to care? What's happen to this generation and why don't we seek something more out of people - out of ourselves?

I've been guilty of falling into societal norms, in regards to how dating and "relationships" have evolved and how we've conducted ourselves getting there. It hasn't worked thus far, so I think taking a lesson from our elders might suit us well here. It is important to take time to really digest a person, inside and out before jumping into something [relationships, bedrooms, you know]. What's the rush anyway? Are we all in a hurry to grow up, get married, and have babies? You're building a foundation [or at least you should be], should you not be 1,000% certain you're doing it with the right person on every level, as oppose to convenience or simple attractions?

 I encourage others to look at someone in depth. Don't just get to know their body, but their soul. I feel people are only as good as their intentions, and so, it is something we should take our time getting to know. After all, we are preparing ourself for an investment of our love - we need to be conscious that it fits in all the right areas before we jump in head first!

Grow to Know, the Difference

I've recently found myself in the company of some pretty amazing people. Some with similar outlooks and opinions on life and love, and others with quite the opposing view. While, I cherish the perspective of all people who confide in me and seek my advice [and remain open minded] I still rely upon my inner moral compass, which lays the foundation for my point of view.

That being said, I've run into an interesting individual. I've spent a good amount of time having conversations over coffee, deliberating over lengthy telephone calls, as well as face to face. I thrive on open conversation that holds such depth and detail, as ours do. I find you come to various conclusions about life in general, once you engage in said conversations.

One main concept we discussed is growth between two people in a relationship. I think a relationship becomes stagnant, or otherwise unhealthy if two people aren't growing together, much less at the same growth rate. Many-a-times when this happens a clash happens [you know, disagreements, arguments, bickering - or my favorite term, world war III]. Someone gets too comfortable and decides that the day-to-day is good enough; or that nothing is wrong with how they conduct themselves, express their feelings, etc. While the other person presents themselves as a challenge to the other person [or nag], because a noticeable difference in the relational dynamic has unveiled itself over a period of time.

I feel this is a clear indication that you haven't found "the one" just another "one", if you will. I think when two people are on the same page in nearly all avenues of a relationship things tend to go a lot more smoothly. It just is - and when that happens you'll just know. Things fit together ever so nicely, and whatever tension or 'uncomfrortability' you were used to feeling is not as prevalent. This isn't to say those infamous disagreements and preemptive frustrations won't exist, because they absolutely do, and will present themselves accordingly. But the severity won't be nearly as bad and things will seemingly be worked out with more ease.

So what would I like you to get out this post? Challenge your point of view, examine yourself, your partner and your relationship as a whole. Are you both growing together? Growing apart? Growing at nearly the same rate? Or not at all? Is it adding to your life, or taking away from it? If you don't feel yourself learning and growing, there's a problem.

Seven Circles of Love...

I've been attempting to escape. Escape anything that reminded me of the past, for the past several weeks. I've done a decent job during those moments where light hits the ground. But when night falls, it becomes unbearable. I know these feelings have been felt by many, all different ages, shapes, sizes, races, and sex. Just as universal as love is, so is utter heartbreak. It is a part of life, that we face such things and chances are it always hurts one party more than the other. Your heart and its pieces just fall to the ground like ash, scattered and misplaced, stepped on repeatedly until they disintegrate. That's what it feels like.

Regardless of said depressing analogy, I've come to realize that sometimes love is misplaced, just like those pieces of the heart. If I had to describe it, I'd say there are various levels of love, and each person falls within a certain bracket. Almost like the seven circles of hell, except you can replace all the fire and brimstone with rainbows and butterflies. Anyway, my point is, there are those who love with all their might [their love moves mountains, that's how strong it is], who dwell in the seventh circle. And others, well, not so much - they dwell somewhere between one and six. They love until it isn't convenient anymore, until it becomes too difficult, challenging, or complex. Or to put it in leimens terms, they love conditionally. And although these people would beg to differ, defend themselves, and say, "Well, I loved you the best I could, it just wasn't good enough for you", that is when its your job [people in the seventh circle] to say, yes you're absolutely right. So you pack up your emotional, metaphorical, and physical baggage, and get the hell out of there!

Ha, if only it were that easy, right? Those of us in that small circle possess something that many do not, and that is unrequited love and strength. When the two meet, hand in hand, it is a bond that is nearly impossible to break. We are stubborn in love, hope, faith and anything that resembles the combination of the three. We saw such good in our past partners [or current for some of you] that we ignored the bad and withstood the pain for as long as could, despite the repeated offenses. But that's what unconditional love, true love, is all about isn't it? For the most part I would agree, at least conceptually, but there comes a time where it's also defined as abuse; be it physical, emotional, or mental. And those of us in the seventh circle deserve the same love we give out, don't we? (This is where you nod and smile).

So when I say, our love is misplaced, what I mean is that the ever unconditional love that can withstand anything, gets mixed up with the conditional, "as long as it's easy" lovers. Seven jumps to three, four, two - you get the point. Its a total clashing, a hot mess, and no matter what you do to try and force the two loves to work, it just won't. At least without one of you feeling slighted, disadvantaged and cheated. And in my opinion that is no way to live.

It's also important to remember, inevitably it's no ones fault - per say. Yes, you can be wronged multiple times by the same person - trust me, I've been there it hurts! It's no walk in the park by any means and there truly is no justifications for such actions, but not all people know what respect is nor what the definition of true love even stands for. I blame it on ignorance and lack of a good example throughout childhood. People just are who they are, and regardless how much you love them, sacrifice, wish, hope and pray - sometimes you just have to accept that its not enough. A seventh circle lover deserves to be loved at the capacity of a seventh circle love. Period. Because one to six will just get the silver platter, and you will be short changing yourself.

So let them go, let them all go. Surround them with peace and light, and wish them well. Don't burn their shit, or build a voodoo doll, or start practicing witch craft. Heaven knows the poor souls have enough learning to do and lessons to learn, believe that karma always catches up with the lot of them. But it is in your best interest to forgive and move on. No harm, no foul. And you'll be the better person for it.

Stay Above Water...

It's difficult to stay above water. What I mean by that? I often use it as an analogy of sorts to describe what it's like to have a full, well rounded, and rational view on a circumstance, person, place, or even relational experience. I know personally, I am guilty for letting my deeper rooted emotions get the best of me in the heat of the moment. I consider myself a very passionate person, so in any given situation [if it's something I feel strong enough about] I usually blurt out whatever comes to mind first. This can prove to be a good and bad trait I find. Although it is always preferable to speak your mind and be as honest as possible, there are moments which call for a re-evaluation of sorts. I let the fiery side of me [if you will] get carried away, thus exposing my most embarrassing display of verbal diarrhea. It gets me in a heap of trouble. And it's only usually the morning after that I'm able to better understand the jist of the concept or process at hand.

Far too often we find ourselves sinking six feet under. Getting caught up in past term oil, subconscious pain, not so fond memories, jealousy, spite, and any other pessimistic human emotion (insert adjective here). It blocks us from seeing a deeper meaning or higher truth about a subject. Thus, causing us to go from staying afloat, to sinking below the surface and getting lost in the sauce.

Believe me, I know these concepts are difficult. I have my own daily struggles, but it is imperative to separate a reaction from an action, from an overreaction. It takes time and practice, however, maintaining an aerial view of things will ensure rational behaviors as well as sanity.

Seek A Higher Truth...

Taking the path of least resistance isn't always the smartest choice. In concepts not involved with keeping peace of course, because least resistance in those areas are always preferred. However, in life or in love, the more challenges we face the more skilled we become and the more lessons we learn. Even provided the text books that captivate our nation’s history between hard covers and airy pages, there was great suffering, bravery, and battles before successful reconciliation was had. But it was within those trials and tribulations that we had great triumph. I don't mean in the sense of winning wars or relinquishing slavery, but in the valuable lessons that were learned because of these historic events. Although ignorance still very much exists, rays of hope have never shined so brilliantly. Earth, and all it encompasses, is on the move and a greater truth is slowly arising. But these 'truths' won't make sense to those who haven't peeled back the layers of societal conformities or mistaken conceptualizations of love and what it’s made up of. So dare to agree with me when I say, no, ignorance is not always blissful.

People far too often shun the thought of vulnerability or change, but how are we ever expected to flourish without these ideals? Yes, we must suffer in our own respects, however the universe sees fit, but it's all to bring us closer to a better version of ourselves. Less selfish and more selfless, more giving and less greedy, and wealthy beyond the objectives of money. If only we could all take in these vital life and love lessons we can come to an overwhelming reality, one no rational man would even dare to dream or take seriously. If only we can discard this regurgitated knowledge from "credible sources" and governmental upbringing, we can see vast possibilities far beyond our limited comprehension. We are all equal and apart of one another [please excuse this cliché phrase but it's the only appropriate quote], “the circle of life”.

 The only limitation is ourselves, boggled down with concepts of fact verses fiction because it's what we've been feed for centuries. Once we trudge through these facades of 'reality', we can hone the truth behind ideology and realize we are all part of a greater purpose, and can give just as readily as we receive.

Do You Have a Friendship-ish?

I realize the term, 'friendship-ish' is rather confusing, but I promise I can define this for you. I'm sure many of you can relate to that 'in between' period when you first exit a pre-existing relationship; your nerves are shot, your emotions are out of whack, and you've collected a disturbing amount of used tissues that are steadily over growing in your waste basket as you reflect on all the wrong doings and fond memories. Post war, you feel lonely and extra vulnerable so it's easy to fall into a rebound in efforts to fill that void that is guaranteed to be there, it's only natural. I don't condone any form of a rebound really, it's not fair to anyone, especially yourself. You need to allow the proper time to heal from past love, if you don't the chances are high that you'll just keep making the same mistakes again and again. And you don't want that now do you? I didn't think so.

There are special circumstances, however, that may arise while you're in this healing, 'gotta get over them' limbo. That 'circumstance' is what I call a 'friendship-ish'; when a fabulous person enters into your life without so much as a warning. You stumble upon the right combination of chemistry between two people and you enjoy them and the mixture of both personalities, but the timing isn't right. It all starts out so innocent until you get to know them better. You have great conversation and a genuine good time, but you just can't bring yourself to dive into something you know you aren't emotionally or mentally ready for; especially if the respect and admiration you have for that individual exceeds that of a mere rebound!

People like this that have proven to be wonderful and genuinely seem worth all your efforts, usually are, so I believe it's important to be 'all in' before the inkling of pursuing anything further even crosses your mind. It may be hard to control yourself and your feelings, but nothing is worth getting into if you find yourself scattered in the emotional department. I've been guilty of jumping into dating or even full blown relationships before I'm ready. It never worked out for me in the past, and I know it wouldn't work out for me now. If you've found yourself in similar situations I can almost guarantee you'd feel the same, or at the very least relate in some fashion.

So what do I say in terms of all this? Friendship first. The universe tends to place you were you need to be and dually place people in your life for similar reasons. Whether to aid in struggles, trials and tribulations or just simply to show you that you aren't crazy, there are people who exist and believe in the concept of love and relationships, just as you do. I know the concept behind a healthy committed relationship has been difficult for me to relate to with others in the past. I was starting to question if anyone really felt the same or if I was reading into too many happily ever afters. Although I feel like I've become a bit more realistic in terms of two people making a relationship functional, I know my ideology behind love inevitably remains the same. Everyones definition can be different, and that's OK, you'll just want to find someone who feels similarly to your own personal feelings or at the very least respects it and is willing to compromise.

Personally, I've found myself in this situation a number of times but I never had the sense of control like I do now, and all those past relationships with people that should have been friendship-ish's at first, are no longer in my life. It's sad because if I would have waited maybe things would have been different, maybe they could have still been in my life one way or another, but too many of us become impatient. Now, I find myself in a similar situation and for arguments' sake we'll give her a nickname and call her, eh, Pat Benatar [just for the mere fact that she rocks my socks]. I like Pat and I think she has a collection of characteristics that I'd like to find in someone when I'm ready. But for now I will enjoy her company and cultivate a good friendship-ish and sometimes decisions like these are the best ones we can make for our hearts.

Leading a Horse to Water Doesn't Mean it Will Drink!

How frustrating is it to give solid advice to someone who says they need it [want it] but they refuse to actually take it? I'm faced with this on a daily basis, and the frustration only builds on top of itself! I know I've had many friends come to me with their life struggles, trials, and tribulations in search for the ultimate guidance. But sometimes I find that people like to hear themselves talk or even worse hand you an invitation to their pity party, because we all know one's a lonely number, and misery loves company!

Others constantly go in circles with the same issues, stuck in a revolving door of sorts. For me, and many others I know, it's difficult to see close friends and family in this position. Especially when you know the appropriated changes one can make to ensure a better quality of life. From the outside looking in, it can be so easy to diagnose the problem and suggest, what we feel, as an obvious solution. But, many people get caught up in their own term oil so deeply they are literally convinced they are nearly permanently stuck there with no outlet or evidence of light at the end of the tunnel.

This can be based on a number of different things, from a snowball of hardships, to an extreme pessimist. Regardless, I know I'm guilty of taking on others problems as if they were my own, to the point where I start to feel responsible for their unhappiness because I'm so aware of what they need to do to change their current situation or outlook. That is the wrong way to look at things. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to give others advice or guidance it doesn't mean they will actually put the work into taking it. People can hear what you are saying but they themselves have to fully arrived at a decision or a solution before they can start to act on it and incorporate it into their lives. Inevitably this causes a ripple effect of evolution and change that can assist in turning their circumstance around, but it is only effective once they have accepted the effort it will take.

So, yes, although we can lead a horse to water doesn't mean we can make it drink, they have to want to quench their own thirst, and although as horse owners we want the horse to hydrate themselves with a serious passion, our want won't out weigh their efforts or lack there of. So don't feel responsible if the horse drops dead from dehydration [ha, ok that was a harsh analogy but you get what I mean].

We All Have Baggage, But Pack Lightly

I'm not all too sure what others experiences have been, but me personally, I can say I've always managed to maintain a trust issue throughout my relationships. I know I am not alone in this [I blame it on my very first relationship in high school - ruined me!], but in all seriousness, I know many of us carry some expected and unexpected baggage into relationships. Some of it I feel is harder to let go of than others, but there is a solution for such unruliness.

First, it is important to recognize what exactly we are afraid of and what it is we have a hard time trusting someone with. Many times I've heard the fear of 'trusting' defined in the same way; whether it be cheating, tall tales, or simply feeling that person you're with is unworthy of your trust for an unknown underlying reason. Although these are sound, I believe trust can be much more complex and goes much deeper. There are many elements of trust and I will define them, here, the best I can to help you relate and perhaps to also help you become enlightened.

It is important to have security in a relationship. I know this sounds self explanatory, but you'll be surprised how many people don't have this element. It is vital to know that your partner is dependable in every aspect of the word. In my past I have come face to face with the lack of dependability and it has severed the trust I should have had with those individuals. What I mean by this is, that you have to know you are being heard and that your opinions sincerely matter. Having trust that your partner doesn't just hear you but actually listens and takes those opinions into consideration regardless of their personal logic. If you don't have that concrete notion that how you feel matters, expressing yourself becomes an endless repetition of words filled with air [incert Charlie Brown's teacher here: Whaon, whaon, whaon, whaon, whaon]. This not only dwindles down your confidence and importance inside your bond, it also dwindles down that first layer of trust with your partner. Additionally, dependability is applied emotionally, mentally, and physically. When the unexpected happens, sometimes in the worst of situations, we depend on our best friends and family to be there - in which case your partner represents both. They are just as close as family and should be your best friend, so being there (and knowing they will be there) is beyond important.

Moreover, it is important to trust that you and your partner view the foundations of your relationship similarly. This is especially so in the ethics and morals department. I know I've had my run in with people who have different definitions of flirting, inapproproiateness, and boundry lines. Obviously being on the same page is a given, but again, one that not all couples have the ability to experience. When these concepts come into question it is highly difficult to trust in someone and their judgement in particular situations or vice versa. It is imparative that the conceptual foundation of your relationship is level and that both parties see eye to eye and agree, at least in this particular case.

Do you trust yourself? By this I mean your own judgement. Do you really feel like you can't trust your partner or do you have excess baggage you're bringing into the relationship and unloading onto your spouse? Yikes! I know this can be relatively hard to determine at first, and every situation is different of course. But if you spend some time with yourself and do some self reflection [which I believe works wonders, whether you're in a relationship or not] you can more often than not get to the root of said trust issues. I know I've experienced relationships where I've felt I genuinely couldn't trust someone and also ones where I created issues that really weren't there. I suppose it acted almost as a defense mechanism, where I just couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to trust someone for fear of getting burned, just as badly if not worse than my previous experiences. Although my philospophy has always concluded that trust is earned not just given until proven otherwise, we shouldn't fall into accusations or assumptions as a result of the past. It just simply isn't fair to your current partner or to the next individual who you decide to get into a relationship with. It's not easy to give the benefit of the doubt, that's a concept I struggle with regularly, but again I think it is important to disect our past and attempt to get to the root of the problem. Then, I'd even take it a step further and make the conscious decision to sit down and discuss the layers you've peeled back with your partner. This opens up the communication highway and gives the other party a window into how you work and can better help them, and you, understand things all while gaining clarity.

I'm a firm believer in packing light when entering a relationship, it would be in everyone's best interest to keep it that way!

Forgive Me Not?

I think one of the most important things to keep in mind when struggling through a break up, is, to take a hard look at yourself. I know most of us feel angry at the other party, for all the ways they've wronged against us, but we all know that classic saying "it takes two"; and it certainly does. Although in my personal experience I've gathered one party can feel like they've been wronged far worse than the other, the string only unravels if it is tugged at each end. We all know it can be quite impossible to forget, but it is vitally important to forgive; it is the only way we are able to move on successfully.