Not for the Faint of Heart, the Non-believers, or Those Who Follow the Masses

I like it in this place. This place where I'm at now. Small local coffee shop - well - there are various locations around this Colorado town, but this one in particular makes me feel secluded in many ways, where others expose me, at least that’s how it feels. People here come and go, they don't linger very long as they do in your Starbucks corporations or over crowded city coffee houses [although I do admire those]. No, this one is out in suburbia and although that is not my ideal place to dwell, it does have its perks. The kids out here seem more innocent and educated. Perhaps that's just an illusion. They seem different though, and I like that. More diversity is needed but I'm sure that will come with time; we are in the mountains after all. I adore coffee houses, tea shops, and nearly anything that resembles it. You come to sit in a place with electricity and internet power, purchase goods to sustain your energy and concentration, and in return can sit for hours on end utilizing their resources to fuel your creativity. In this moment I couldn't ask for a better setting. 

To get down to the meat and potatoes here, I'm lost. At least I feel like I'm lost. In limbo. Unsure of where I'm headed or if I'm even headed anywhere at all. Most days I feel stagnant, yet I'm so tired from running. Most days I have no motivation. I don't know why. I'm frustrated with myself over it. I want change - to be change, to make change, to inspire it. Yet, I cannot conjure up enough gumption to make change happen for me in my own life, let alone inspire others toward a movement. Perhaps that’s the problem, I'm doing things out of order. I need to take a few steps back and really focus on myself and my own direction, my own personal growth. I'm inpatient. I always have been. I need to learn. Life lesson, I'm sure of it. Regardless, I can't even say I'm at a crossroads. Well, perhaps I am. A crossroads of expectations, self-doubt, and responsibility.

To put it bluntly, I need money. Not because I want to be rich or famous, not because I'm greedy or selfish. But because I need to survive. I need to fund my existence on this earth. You can't do much of anything without money, at least that’s what they tell us. It's frustrating. I wish the world ran on love. I'm sure even that phenomenon would have its complications, but roles would seemingly be inverse. Hearts that are cold and brash become poor and sick, hearts that are full and genuine would get richer by the minute; to the point that they wouldn't know what to do with all their wealth but to keep giving it away to the less fortunate. What has the world come to? I know the top 1% want to stay right where they are, watching while the rest of us suffer and burn. How could anyone be that way? Sure, I don't understand it because I've never been there and I'm certainly glad and grateful that I haven't for that very reason. To be born into a sheltered, shallow, selfish, and materialistic existence. It's hell on earth. Truly. To fund humanity on the existence of love would be a spectacular fete. Those who've been wounded and burned but are pure in spirit would learn to rise and recycle their experiences through the process, learning, gaining time and wisdom. And with each step they take toward love, toward growth - they'd then grow in wealth and prosperity. Contrary, the inverse would result in poverty and disappear, and there, they would remain until they learned differently. What a world that would be. How different it would look and feel. 

I truly just want to take time. I want money to take time to learn about myself, about others, about perspectives and life as we've come to know it. I want to learn as much as I can so I can examine it, challenge it where it needs challenging and then teach of what I've come to know. I want more than to just be a singer, a dancer, an actress, an entertainer. I want more than to just be a non-traditional business woman, an entrepreneur. I want more than to cook, to own a restaurant, a night club, a coffee shop. To create more than a TV series, to do more than produce music and movies, and gain recognition and fortune from it. I'd like to get quiet. I'd like to learn things. I'd like a mentor. I'd like to reflect and write for a while. Travel the world and experience it from a different perspective and have it add to my own in the process. I just want to live. Is all of that just not what we call living? I don't want to wait until I'm 65 before I'm able to do it according to societal norm, this country, this moment in time among our history. I've always challenged the status quo - I've gotten myself into a heap of trouble because of it too. At least in regards to money. It's all about money. This man made tangible thing that has turned us all upside down. It's told us what we're worth, literally and metaphorically speaking. It's caused pain and struggle, greed and selfishness, battle and murder. We can't see past ourselves anymore. I want to see past myself. The only way to do it is to suffer? To fall behind? To lose any material possessions I may have obtained in my life up to this point? They'll tell me I’m in debt, that I'll lose my car, that I have bad credit so I can't buy a house, that I'm next to nothing and only worth the $3.47 that rests in my bank account. But that isn't true. I am worth so much more. I am a human being. I am living and breathing and I have goals and aspirations and drive and stamina. I have a passion, many passions; specifically for people and for what life means and how to get closer to enlightenment. I have faith, and hope and I’m building a belief system that will soon be impenetrable. Don’t tell me I have to work three dead end jobs to make ends meet. Don't tell me that I'll travel when I can manage to save the money, don't tell me I have to work anything close to a corporate job in order to make enough to survive and lead a "happy" life in the eyes of the masses. Don't tell me! Do not measure the worth of my existence off the back of how much I earn in a fiscal year. Do not measure my worth based on how many professions I've had, how much schooling I did, how many places I've been or traveled. Do not measure my worth in numbers or words and place invalid judgments on me or anyone else when you know nothing about me or other people at large. Do not tell me I don't deserve to live well, eat well, and be well because "I cannot afford to live in luxury". We all deserve to live, eat, and be well and if that is luxury we are more twisted than we think we are. I am not the result of my illnesses. I am in control of my present and my future. I am worthy of much more than they can wrap their heads around. I am wealthy, I am healthy, I am prosperous, I am successful, I am the movement. I believe. I am a believer, a doer, a mover, a shaker, a challenger to all those who would like to place me and others like me in a square box. I am not just my physical appearance, my curly hair, my curves or just the sum of my characteristics. I am my soul and spirit and intuition. I am, just as you are, the stuff of legend.

I want to be my own person - I may not know exactly what that means right now, but I want to stay on the path to finding out. I want to create a movement. To teach people what I know and what I've come to find on my path. I am unconventional and there are many things that I could do right now to get me from point A to point B, but I truly desire to go on the path I’ve started going down now. Not feeling the pressures of a 9-5 job. Not falling in line with society. Sleeping in, resting well. Reading, writing, spending my days hiking surrounded by nature, traveling and learning. I want to understand more. I want to be someone who makes a difference. Who not only sees differently and acts differently but who lives just as differently, every day. No limitations, no constraints. No one to sit from across a desk and measure my worth or compare me to others in front or behind me. I'm telling you I would not place myself somewhere or in front of someone if I did not think I could do it. It - the job. Most of my stress comes from what other people think or perceive me as; knowing that, at any given moment, I have about an hour to prove myself and show someone all the parts of who I am and exactly why I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I do not want to live in the shadow of someone else perception. Why should I? Why should any of us? I'm no less worthy because I'd like to work less than 40 hours a week and enjoy how life is truly meant to be lived. As oppose to my counterpart who would work 80 hours if you needed them to in the name of fortune, in the name of proving oneself to someone else who sits in a desk at a much higher level in an office building. In the name of gaining a lifestyle that they could never fully come to enjoy because of all the expectations made by those very same people - sitting there dictating your worth and how your life will and should play out if you "expect to get anywhere and make something of yourself". Stop. The only different between them and me [us] is that they chose to look through the perspective the masses set us up to look through. My worth, stamina and drive is the same. Sure, the thought process might be different, but wasn't every successful persons thought process different at some point? Wasn't there, at every turn of a revelation, a different thought process?

I am a leader, a person that is inspired by many and who wants to inspire all. I am distinctive and I want to teach distinctively. I want to be a motivational speaker, a public trail blazer, someone for others to look up to, to encourage to think in contrast. To highlight the importance of self-growth, awareness, and reflection. Live outside of the box, not just off the grid, not just in the name of rebellion. But with true purpose, that purpose being a shift in our awareness - knowing exactly who we are and what we are capable of, not just digesting a regurgitated truth. Only seeing what they want us to see; only gaining the perspective they want us to gain; only being as educated as they'd like us to be. I am here to lead a resistance and teach a concept [or many concepts] that is beyond what they've allowed our imagination to believe. 

You've Got a Friend in Me ...

I've managed to lose a lot of friends over the years. I think most of that has to do with the fact that I've set expectations within said friendships that I couldn't deliver upon. At one point I was infatuated with being liked by everyone, to the point where I was giving so much of myself and my time that I wasn't making who I was or wanted to be a priority. I had so many people leaning on me at once that my schedule [and my life] got completely out of hand. I was living and breathing for everyone but me. No one could really see it or understand it, the only part anyone felt was my absence once I left. I wanted, no, needed a change and couldn't take the pressure of

other peoples expectations any longer.

Perhaps I didn't go about it the right way, and because of that I feel like I've lost a lot of really great meaningful people in my life that have been vitally important to my growth as a person. Regardless, I knew at the time I needed an out to get my priorities straight and to start living for myself. 

These days I think it takes a very special type of person to tolerate being in any type of relationship with me, whether it be friendship or otherwise. I'm over the top ambitious. I more often than not have 50 projects going on at once, meetings, trips, and days where I decide to shut myself off from the world around me so I'm able to reflect and gain strength to keep going. If anything, those who have stuck around long enough know I always come back around and I'll sit down and reflect with you on complications, love, and all the proponents of life as we know it, but gaping holes of time might show up more often than I do. Not because I want it that way, but mainly because I'm scattered with my passions and ideologies of changing the world. 

The bigger lesson here I guess is to be grateful for all those who have crossed your path. Some will not be so willing to forgive and forget, others come back around, and seldom adapt and see things through. No matter, just take responsibility for your actions, apologize when necessary, and know that you can't change everyone's mind about you - but the hope is that one day you'll be able to change their heart. 

Generation Y-Not?

I've recently taken a plunge into my own venture and boy, the trials and tribulations have turned my life upside down. Much to my surprise though, I'm finding it all to be perfectly worth it. I left a very comfy office job with decent pay and outstanding benefits to take all this on. Primarily because I've been on this kick where I despise anything structured, conforming, corporate or routine. And that is because the bulk of the older generations have this backwards view of the "generation-me" clan that I so happen to be apart of [I know I'm at risk of a hasty generalization here, but work with me]. For awhile I was convinced that they were right; perhaps we are lazy and selfish and don't have what it takes to stick it out in a 9 to 5 job in efforts to climb up the corporate ladder of success. Then, after much contemplation, research, and self reflection, I've discovered that simply isn't so. Perhaps we want more than what our mothers and fathers have previously settled for. Granted the economic struggles were different, and the dreams they've had for themselves were much different. They - wanting the financial stability earned by working for the man, just to possess their piece of the American dream. But today, the American dream is divergent. We have so much knowledge and possibility at our finger tips, and those possibilities likely a direct result of what our mothers and fathers worked so hard for back then. Progression and evolution is inevitable, however, and so it is no surprise that this generation and those after us will partake in revolutionary actions accordingly.

Therefore, no, we are not lazy or selfish or ill-determined; we are standing up for change and living for those very things we believe make life worth living - defining our own American dream. We are the entrepreneurs and artists and renegades that decided we weren't going to sit in an office working for someone else's dream when we have our own. So yeah, maybe we have to sit at a desk while we build up courage and financial backing to make that dream happen, but we don't stay for long because we have our own agenda. It is not that we can't work hard, we just believe in working hard for ourselves. And if following our dream and passion is selfish, then I think we would gladly accept the label. Let's make t-shirts "Selfish for Our Own Success" - #selfishforourownsuccess. 

Life is certainly hard enough, and it has been increasingly difficult to stay afloat while taking on these endeavors, but I'm much happier now than I've ever been working for someone else. And the Y Generation is perhaps the first to realize, not only our potential to make change happen, but applying it with the professional skills we've honed up to this point. Our ambitions and forward thinking has set us all in motion; its ripple effect is only growing stronger.  

I've Decided

I’ve decided that my goal in life is to make people feel happy, the way I strive to make "her" feel happy every day [she knows who she is]. Recently, it’s been a struggle just to keep a smile on my own face, but I’m determined to change my entire life around. My thoughts, my emotions, my energy sequence when something negative happens - I'm in need of a spiritual overhaul. A wise woman once shared a quote that I believe everyone should live by: “Life is 10% of what happens and 90% how we react to it” – I think that’s ingenious and a concept that can be applied well. I know it takes lots of effort to support a happy life style and a happy disposition, but it takes no less effort to get up every morning and go to the job that we must go to in order to survive or to take care of the responsibilities that we have to take care of on a daily basis. Why not apply those same efforts into our personal life as well? It has to start somewhere, let it start with you.

 

I know it’s typical for people to jump into a place of frustration, sadness, and disappointment when things don’t go our way. But why take that route when it makes you feel less of as a person? Feeling is the manifestation of our thoughts. When we feel badly or negatively, more negatives come to fruition. When we feel GOOD, goodness and positivity rein, around and throughout our life. Think about that for a moment. You have the power to change your situation minute to minute, day to day. You are in control. It may be difficult to cultivate this positivity [trust me I know], but it’s just a matter of you making a decision. It’s really that simple. Decide from this moment you’ll take in all the good, let it generate throughout your entire body and soul; and wait for the Universe to bring about what you think about most. Be happy and grateful above all things, and watch the miracles take place in reality, in your life.

 

Before You Jump Head First...

I've noticed that love can be difficult. Difficult in a way that's comparable to a classroom full of two year old children, who've just been told Santa doesn't exist, the Easter Bunny is retired, and all you get for Halloween this year are tooth brushes and dental floss. I'll let you take a minute to let that sink in...

I suppose my point is that it's so funny how various people come into our lives at different times for different reasons. Some make a world of sense and are designed as roots in your life. Others are never what you thought you'd allow yourself to encounter, but that experience and their memories still outline the perimeter of your life anyway. And some of us encounter a love so devastating, it makes you question if you'd ever be able to open yourself up again to anyone. Unfortunately, I think I've been exposed to all of these relational concepts and it hasn't proven to be easy to go through. I think I've felt lost for a few years and I'm just now starting to get my bearings again. And so, love is difficult.

Sometimes we have an idea of a person or a relationship - what it should be and who with. What it should consist of. What it should feel like. Oh, how we've been influenced by media and entertainment. Honestly, what books and movies have a right to regurgitate our understanding of how, where, and what love should look and feel like? Do we not all go in our own direction,  down our own path? Doesn't it look and feel different for all of us? I mean, I'd like the fairy tale. I'd like the romantic comedy starring Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. And now that I think about it, perhaps we will get our movie based love - it just won't look exactly like Hollywood portrays it, and we'll have to be ok with that.

I feel now, in today's society it's rare to find people that just want to take the time to get to know one another, before jumping in head first based on particular attractions. It's dangerous, and many people get hurt that way. It would be nice to bring it down a few notches, conduct ourselves like the kids in the 1950's. I want the sweet gestures and outings. I want the ferris wheel  ride at the carnival with cotton candy, the kiss under the stars, and to sport the letter jacket so everyone knows I'm taken. Those were the good times, that old fashion love. Where has that gone? Why don't people take the time to care? What's happen to this generation and why don't we seek something more out of people - out of ourselves?

I've been guilty of falling into societal norms, in regards to how dating and "relationships" have evolved and how we've conducted ourselves getting there. It hasn't worked thus far, so I think taking a lesson from our elders might suit us well here. It is important to take time to really digest a person, inside and out before jumping into something [relationships, bedrooms, you know]. What's the rush anyway? Are we all in a hurry to grow up, get married, and have babies? You're building a foundation [or at least you should be], should you not be 1,000% certain you're doing it with the right person on every level, as oppose to convenience or simple attractions?

 I encourage others to look at someone in depth. Don't just get to know their body, but their soul. I feel people are only as good as their intentions, and so, it is something we should take our time getting to know. After all, we are preparing ourself for an investment of our love - we need to be conscious that it fits in all the right areas before we jump in head first!

Grow to Know, the Difference

I've recently found myself in the company of some pretty amazing people. Some with similar outlooks and opinions on life and love, and others with quite the opposing view. While, I cherish the perspective of all people who confide in me and seek my advice [and remain open minded] I still rely upon my inner moral compass, which lays the foundation for my point of view.

That being said, I've run into an interesting individual. I've spent a good amount of time having conversations over coffee, deliberating over lengthy telephone calls, as well as face to face. I thrive on open conversation that holds such depth and detail, as ours do. I find you come to various conclusions about life in general, once you engage in said conversations.

One main concept we discussed is growth between two people in a relationship. I think a relationship becomes stagnant, or otherwise unhealthy if two people aren't growing together, much less at the same growth rate. Many-a-times when this happens a clash happens [you know, disagreements, arguments, bickering - or my favorite term, world war III]. Someone gets too comfortable and decides that the day-to-day is good enough; or that nothing is wrong with how they conduct themselves, express their feelings, etc. While the other person presents themselves as a challenge to the other person [or nag], because a noticeable difference in the relational dynamic has unveiled itself over a period of time.

I feel this is a clear indication that you haven't found "the one" just another "one", if you will. I think when two people are on the same page in nearly all avenues of a relationship things tend to go a lot more smoothly. It just is - and when that happens you'll just know. Things fit together ever so nicely, and whatever tension or 'uncomfrortability' you were used to feeling is not as prevalent. This isn't to say those infamous disagreements and preemptive frustrations won't exist, because they absolutely do, and will present themselves accordingly. But the severity won't be nearly as bad and things will seemingly be worked out with more ease.

So what would I like you to get out this post? Challenge your point of view, examine yourself, your partner and your relationship as a whole. Are you both growing together? Growing apart? Growing at nearly the same rate? Or not at all? Is it adding to your life, or taking away from it? If you don't feel yourself learning and growing, there's a problem.

Seven Circles of Love...

I've been attempting to escape. Escape anything that reminded me of the past, for the past several weeks. I've done a decent job during those moments where light hits the ground. But when night falls, it becomes unbearable. I know these feelings have been felt by many, all different ages, shapes, sizes, races, and sex. Just as universal as love is, so is utter heartbreak. It is a part of life, that we face such things and chances are it always hurts one party more than the other. Your heart and its pieces just fall to the ground like ash, scattered and misplaced, stepped on repeatedly until they disintegrate. That's what it feels like.

Regardless of said depressing analogy, I've come to realize that sometimes love is misplaced, just like those pieces of the heart. If I had to describe it, I'd say there are various levels of love, and each person falls within a certain bracket. Almost like the seven circles of hell, except you can replace all the fire and brimstone with rainbows and butterflies. Anyway, my point is, there are those who love with all their might [their love moves mountains, that's how strong it is], who dwell in the seventh circle. And others, well, not so much - they dwell somewhere between one and six. They love until it isn't convenient anymore, until it becomes too difficult, challenging, or complex. Or to put it in leimens terms, they love conditionally. And although these people would beg to differ, defend themselves, and say, "Well, I loved you the best I could, it just wasn't good enough for you", that is when its your job [people in the seventh circle] to say, yes you're absolutely right. So you pack up your emotional, metaphorical, and physical baggage, and get the hell out of there!

Ha, if only it were that easy, right? Those of us in that small circle possess something that many do not, and that is unrequited love and strength. When the two meet, hand in hand, it is a bond that is nearly impossible to break. We are stubborn in love, hope, faith and anything that resembles the combination of the three. We saw such good in our past partners [or current for some of you] that we ignored the bad and withstood the pain for as long as could, despite the repeated offenses. But that's what unconditional love, true love, is all about isn't it? For the most part I would agree, at least conceptually, but there comes a time where it's also defined as abuse; be it physical, emotional, or mental. And those of us in the seventh circle deserve the same love we give out, don't we? (This is where you nod and smile).

So when I say, our love is misplaced, what I mean is that the ever unconditional love that can withstand anything, gets mixed up with the conditional, "as long as it's easy" lovers. Seven jumps to three, four, two - you get the point. Its a total clashing, a hot mess, and no matter what you do to try and force the two loves to work, it just won't. At least without one of you feeling slighted, disadvantaged and cheated. And in my opinion that is no way to live.

It's also important to remember, inevitably it's no ones fault - per say. Yes, you can be wronged multiple times by the same person - trust me, I've been there it hurts! It's no walk in the park by any means and there truly is no justifications for such actions, but not all people know what respect is nor what the definition of true love even stands for. I blame it on ignorance and lack of a good example throughout childhood. People just are who they are, and regardless how much you love them, sacrifice, wish, hope and pray - sometimes you just have to accept that its not enough. A seventh circle lover deserves to be loved at the capacity of a seventh circle love. Period. Because one to six will just get the silver platter, and you will be short changing yourself.

So let them go, let them all go. Surround them with peace and light, and wish them well. Don't burn their shit, or build a voodoo doll, or start practicing witch craft. Heaven knows the poor souls have enough learning to do and lessons to learn, believe that karma always catches up with the lot of them. But it is in your best interest to forgive and move on. No harm, no foul. And you'll be the better person for it.