Not for the Faint of Heart, the Non-believers, or Those Who Follow the Masses

I like it in this place. This place where I'm at now. Small local coffee shop - well - there are various locations around this Colorado town, but this one in particular makes me feel secluded in many ways, where others expose me, at least that’s how it feels. People here come and go, they don't linger very long as they do in your Starbucks corporations or over crowded city coffee houses [although I do admire those]. No, this one is out in suburbia and although that is not my ideal place to dwell, it does have its perks. The kids out here seem more innocent and educated. Perhaps that's just an illusion. They seem different though, and I like that. More diversity is needed but I'm sure that will come with time; we are in the mountains after all. I adore coffee houses, tea shops, and nearly anything that resembles it. You come to sit in a place with electricity and internet power, purchase goods to sustain your energy and concentration, and in return can sit for hours on end utilizing their resources to fuel your creativity. In this moment I couldn't ask for a better setting. 

To get down to the meat and potatoes here, I'm lost. At least I feel like I'm lost. In limbo. Unsure of where I'm headed or if I'm even headed anywhere at all. Most days I feel stagnant, yet I'm so tired from running. Most days I have no motivation. I don't know why. I'm frustrated with myself over it. I want change - to be change, to make change, to inspire it. Yet, I cannot conjure up enough gumption to make change happen for me in my own life, let alone inspire others toward a movement. Perhaps that’s the problem, I'm doing things out of order. I need to take a few steps back and really focus on myself and my own direction, my own personal growth. I'm inpatient. I always have been. I need to learn. Life lesson, I'm sure of it. Regardless, I can't even say I'm at a crossroads. Well, perhaps I am. A crossroads of expectations, self-doubt, and responsibility.

To put it bluntly, I need money. Not because I want to be rich or famous, not because I'm greedy or selfish. But because I need to survive. I need to fund my existence on this earth. You can't do much of anything without money, at least that’s what they tell us. It's frustrating. I wish the world ran on love. I'm sure even that phenomenon would have its complications, but roles would seemingly be inverse. Hearts that are cold and brash become poor and sick, hearts that are full and genuine would get richer by the minute; to the point that they wouldn't know what to do with all their wealth but to keep giving it away to the less fortunate. What has the world come to? I know the top 1% want to stay right where they are, watching while the rest of us suffer and burn. How could anyone be that way? Sure, I don't understand it because I've never been there and I'm certainly glad and grateful that I haven't for that very reason. To be born into a sheltered, shallow, selfish, and materialistic existence. It's hell on earth. Truly. To fund humanity on the existence of love would be a spectacular fete. Those who've been wounded and burned but are pure in spirit would learn to rise and recycle their experiences through the process, learning, gaining time and wisdom. And with each step they take toward love, toward growth - they'd then grow in wealth and prosperity. Contrary, the inverse would result in poverty and disappear, and there, they would remain until they learned differently. What a world that would be. How different it would look and feel. 

I truly just want to take time. I want money to take time to learn about myself, about others, about perspectives and life as we've come to know it. I want to learn as much as I can so I can examine it, challenge it where it needs challenging and then teach of what I've come to know. I want more than to just be a singer, a dancer, an actress, an entertainer. I want more than to just be a non-traditional business woman, an entrepreneur. I want more than to cook, to own a restaurant, a night club, a coffee shop. To create more than a TV series, to do more than produce music and movies, and gain recognition and fortune from it. I'd like to get quiet. I'd like to learn things. I'd like a mentor. I'd like to reflect and write for a while. Travel the world and experience it from a different perspective and have it add to my own in the process. I just want to live. Is all of that just not what we call living? I don't want to wait until I'm 65 before I'm able to do it according to societal norm, this country, this moment in time among our history. I've always challenged the status quo - I've gotten myself into a heap of trouble because of it too. At least in regards to money. It's all about money. This man made tangible thing that has turned us all upside down. It's told us what we're worth, literally and metaphorically speaking. It's caused pain and struggle, greed and selfishness, battle and murder. We can't see past ourselves anymore. I want to see past myself. The only way to do it is to suffer? To fall behind? To lose any material possessions I may have obtained in my life up to this point? They'll tell me I’m in debt, that I'll lose my car, that I have bad credit so I can't buy a house, that I'm next to nothing and only worth the $3.47 that rests in my bank account. But that isn't true. I am worth so much more. I am a human being. I am living and breathing and I have goals and aspirations and drive and stamina. I have a passion, many passions; specifically for people and for what life means and how to get closer to enlightenment. I have faith, and hope and I’m building a belief system that will soon be impenetrable. Don’t tell me I have to work three dead end jobs to make ends meet. Don't tell me that I'll travel when I can manage to save the money, don't tell me I have to work anything close to a corporate job in order to make enough to survive and lead a "happy" life in the eyes of the masses. Don't tell me! Do not measure the worth of my existence off the back of how much I earn in a fiscal year. Do not measure my worth based on how many professions I've had, how much schooling I did, how many places I've been or traveled. Do not measure my worth in numbers or words and place invalid judgments on me or anyone else when you know nothing about me or other people at large. Do not tell me I don't deserve to live well, eat well, and be well because "I cannot afford to live in luxury". We all deserve to live, eat, and be well and if that is luxury we are more twisted than we think we are. I am not the result of my illnesses. I am in control of my present and my future. I am worthy of much more than they can wrap their heads around. I am wealthy, I am healthy, I am prosperous, I am successful, I am the movement. I believe. I am a believer, a doer, a mover, a shaker, a challenger to all those who would like to place me and others like me in a square box. I am not just my physical appearance, my curly hair, my curves or just the sum of my characteristics. I am my soul and spirit and intuition. I am, just as you are, the stuff of legend.

I want to be my own person - I may not know exactly what that means right now, but I want to stay on the path to finding out. I want to create a movement. To teach people what I know and what I've come to find on my path. I am unconventional and there are many things that I could do right now to get me from point A to point B, but I truly desire to go on the path I’ve started going down now. Not feeling the pressures of a 9-5 job. Not falling in line with society. Sleeping in, resting well. Reading, writing, spending my days hiking surrounded by nature, traveling and learning. I want to understand more. I want to be someone who makes a difference. Who not only sees differently and acts differently but who lives just as differently, every day. No limitations, no constraints. No one to sit from across a desk and measure my worth or compare me to others in front or behind me. I'm telling you I would not place myself somewhere or in front of someone if I did not think I could do it. It - the job. Most of my stress comes from what other people think or perceive me as; knowing that, at any given moment, I have about an hour to prove myself and show someone all the parts of who I am and exactly why I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I do not want to live in the shadow of someone else perception. Why should I? Why should any of us? I'm no less worthy because I'd like to work less than 40 hours a week and enjoy how life is truly meant to be lived. As oppose to my counterpart who would work 80 hours if you needed them to in the name of fortune, in the name of proving oneself to someone else who sits in a desk at a much higher level in an office building. In the name of gaining a lifestyle that they could never fully come to enjoy because of all the expectations made by those very same people - sitting there dictating your worth and how your life will and should play out if you "expect to get anywhere and make something of yourself". Stop. The only different between them and me [us] is that they chose to look through the perspective the masses set us up to look through. My worth, stamina and drive is the same. Sure, the thought process might be different, but wasn't every successful persons thought process different at some point? Wasn't there, at every turn of a revelation, a different thought process?

I am a leader, a person that is inspired by many and who wants to inspire all. I am distinctive and I want to teach distinctively. I want to be a motivational speaker, a public trail blazer, someone for others to look up to, to encourage to think in contrast. To highlight the importance of self-growth, awareness, and reflection. Live outside of the box, not just off the grid, not just in the name of rebellion. But with true purpose, that purpose being a shift in our awareness - knowing exactly who we are and what we are capable of, not just digesting a regurgitated truth. Only seeing what they want us to see; only gaining the perspective they want us to gain; only being as educated as they'd like us to be. I am here to lead a resistance and teach a concept [or many concepts] that is beyond what they've allowed our imagination to believe. 

You've Got a Friend in Me ...

I've managed to lose a lot of friends over the years. I think most of that has to do with the fact that I've set expectations within said friendships that I couldn't deliver upon. At one point I was infatuated with being liked by everyone, to the point where I was giving so much of myself and my time that I wasn't making who I was or wanted to be a priority. I had so many people leaning on me at once that my schedule [and my life] got completely out of hand. I was living and breathing for everyone but me. No one could really see it or understand it, the only part anyone felt was my absence once I left. I wanted, no, needed a change and couldn't take the pressure of

other peoples expectations any longer.

Perhaps I didn't go about it the right way, and because of that I feel like I've lost a lot of really great meaningful people in my life that have been vitally important to my growth as a person. Regardless, I knew at the time I needed an out to get my priorities straight and to start living for myself. 

These days I think it takes a very special type of person to tolerate being in any type of relationship with me, whether it be friendship or otherwise. I'm over the top ambitious. I more often than not have 50 projects going on at once, meetings, trips, and days where I decide to shut myself off from the world around me so I'm able to reflect and gain strength to keep going. If anything, those who have stuck around long enough know I always come back around and I'll sit down and reflect with you on complications, love, and all the proponents of life as we know it, but gaping holes of time might show up more often than I do. Not because I want it that way, but mainly because I'm scattered with my passions and ideologies of changing the world. 

The bigger lesson here I guess is to be grateful for all those who have crossed your path. Some will not be so willing to forgive and forget, others come back around, and seldom adapt and see things through. No matter, just take responsibility for your actions, apologize when necessary, and know that you can't change everyone's mind about you - but the hope is that one day you'll be able to change their heart. 

Generation Y-Not?

I've recently taken a plunge into my own venture and boy, the trials and tribulations have turned my life upside down. Much to my surprise though, I'm finding it all to be perfectly worth it. I left a very comfy office job with decent pay and outstanding benefits to take all this on. Primarily because I've been on this kick where I despise anything structured, conforming, corporate or routine. And that is because the bulk of the older generations have this backwards view of the "generation-me" clan that I so happen to be apart of [I know I'm at risk of a hasty generalization here, but work with me]. For awhile I was convinced that they were right; perhaps we are lazy and selfish and don't have what it takes to stick it out in a 9 to 5 job in efforts to climb up the corporate ladder of success. Then, after much contemplation, research, and self reflection, I've discovered that simply isn't so. Perhaps we want more than what our mothers and fathers have previously settled for. Granted the economic struggles were different, and the dreams they've had for themselves were much different. They - wanting the financial stability earned by working for the man, just to possess their piece of the American dream. But today, the American dream is divergent. We have so much knowledge and possibility at our finger tips, and those possibilities likely a direct result of what our mothers and fathers worked so hard for back then. Progression and evolution is inevitable, however, and so it is no surprise that this generation and those after us will partake in revolutionary actions accordingly.

Therefore, no, we are not lazy or selfish or ill-determined; we are standing up for change and living for those very things we believe make life worth living - defining our own American dream. We are the entrepreneurs and artists and renegades that decided we weren't going to sit in an office working for someone else's dream when we have our own. So yeah, maybe we have to sit at a desk while we build up courage and financial backing to make that dream happen, but we don't stay for long because we have our own agenda. It is not that we can't work hard, we just believe in working hard for ourselves. And if following our dream and passion is selfish, then I think we would gladly accept the label. Let's make t-shirts "Selfish for Our Own Success" - #selfishforourownsuccess. 

Life is certainly hard enough, and it has been increasingly difficult to stay afloat while taking on these endeavors, but I'm much happier now than I've ever been working for someone else. And the Y Generation is perhaps the first to realize, not only our potential to make change happen, but applying it with the professional skills we've honed up to this point. Our ambitions and forward thinking has set us all in motion; its ripple effect is only growing stronger.