TMC, Thanks For Everything

The art of letting go, is anyone really good at it? Enough to call it an art? I've certainly had my experiences but let me tell you, with as much experience as I've had it surely doesn't get any easier. My most recent past love was probably one of the most prominent relationships I think I've ever had. I learned more from her than I've learned from anyone in my life thus far. I can say I've grown a lot and cared for her in a very unique way.

Sometimes, as most of us know, love just isn't enough. It does take a series of characteristics between two individuals to make a relationship work; coupled with the will from both parties to carry out that work. Relationships are tough, there is no doubt about that, but they should never compromise your happiness.

While moving on is something most of us have to face, sometimes more than we'd like, we are not alone. And I personally don't feel there is anything wrong with keeping hope stored in the back of your mind, because people can evolve and grow into something wonderful, all it takes is a little time. We never know where that time will lead us. Perhaps toward someone new or maybe those two people could be given a second chance at life in love later on down the line. Just remember anything is possible.

Do You Have a Friendship-ish?

I realize the term, 'friendship-ish' is rather confusing, but I promise I can define this for you. I'm sure many of you can relate to that 'in between' period when you first exit a pre-existing relationship; your nerves are shot, your emotions are out of whack, and you've collected a disturbing amount of used tissues that are steadily over growing in your waste basket as you reflect on all the wrong doings and fond memories. Post war, you feel lonely and extra vulnerable so it's easy to fall into a rebound in efforts to fill that void that is guaranteed to be there, it's only natural. I don't condone any form of a rebound really, it's not fair to anyone, especially yourself. You need to allow the proper time to heal from past love, if you don't the chances are high that you'll just keep making the same mistakes again and again. And you don't want that now do you? I didn't think so.

There are special circumstances, however, that may arise while you're in this healing, 'gotta get over them' limbo. That 'circumstance' is what I call a 'friendship-ish'; when a fabulous person enters into your life without so much as a warning. You stumble upon the right combination of chemistry between two people and you enjoy them and the mixture of both personalities, but the timing isn't right. It all starts out so innocent until you get to know them better. You have great conversation and a genuine good time, but you just can't bring yourself to dive into something you know you aren't emotionally or mentally ready for; especially if the respect and admiration you have for that individual exceeds that of a mere rebound!

People like this that have proven to be wonderful and genuinely seem worth all your efforts, usually are, so I believe it's important to be 'all in' before the inkling of pursuing anything further even crosses your mind. It may be hard to control yourself and your feelings, but nothing is worth getting into if you find yourself scattered in the emotional department. I've been guilty of jumping into dating or even full blown relationships before I'm ready. It never worked out for me in the past, and I know it wouldn't work out for me now. If you've found yourself in similar situations I can almost guarantee you'd feel the same, or at the very least relate in some fashion.

So what do I say in terms of all this? Friendship first. The universe tends to place you were you need to be and dually place people in your life for similar reasons. Whether to aid in struggles, trials and tribulations or just simply to show you that you aren't crazy, there are people who exist and believe in the concept of love and relationships, just as you do. I know the concept behind a healthy committed relationship has been difficult for me to relate to with others in the past. I was starting to question if anyone really felt the same or if I was reading into too many happily ever afters. Although I feel like I've become a bit more realistic in terms of two people making a relationship functional, I know my ideology behind love inevitably remains the same. Everyones definition can be different, and that's OK, you'll just want to find someone who feels similarly to your own personal feelings or at the very least respects it and is willing to compromise.

Personally, I've found myself in this situation a number of times but I never had the sense of control like I do now, and all those past relationships with people that should have been friendship-ish's at first, are no longer in my life. It's sad because if I would have waited maybe things would have been different, maybe they could have still been in my life one way or another, but too many of us become impatient. Now, I find myself in a similar situation and for arguments' sake we'll give her a nickname and call her, eh, Pat Benatar [just for the mere fact that she rocks my socks]. I like Pat and I think she has a collection of characteristics that I'd like to find in someone when I'm ready. But for now I will enjoy her company and cultivate a good friendship-ish and sometimes decisions like these are the best ones we can make for our hearts.

Let's Look Outside the Box Shall We?

I think many of us look for great change, especially now-a-days with the economy the way it is and this sense of uncertainty that sort of looms in the air around us during these trying days. But no great change comes without risk and the ability to look outside of ourselves, and, what we've been accustom to for what seems like the majority of our lives. I'll use myself as an example to clarify what I mean.

I know I feel like I'm going through this quarter life crisis and it was a series of unfortunate events that has lead me to this very moment, however, I know I wouldn't be on this path of self discovery and creation if I hadn't suffered the way that I did. I made a conscious decision to look outside of  the box and view myself, as well as the world, differently then I had been viewing it before. Although I always strive to gain better perspectives on life itself, I feel as though my angles were a bit tainted. Perhaps it had to do with my up bringing or the way I've learned to shield myself from certain realities in efforts to protect myself from various vulnerabilities. But nothing great ever comes from playing it safe, I don't necessarily mean that in the literal sense.

Any type of monumental growth comes from evolution and change. Not that we should strive for this change because of a mate, friend or family member; we have to want this change for ourselves - and not just want it but put it into action. It takes tremendous strength and serious self awareness, but with our friend Father Time, I feel all things are possible.

If you find yourself in limbo or unhappy due to whatever circumstances you are facing, remember you always have the option to turn things around. So stop making excuses for yourself, stop playing it safe all the time, and stop telling yourself that you just cant; because that isn't good enough. You can, everyone can, and you will, you just have to take the first step - I promise it will get easier after that.

Leading a Horse to Water Doesn't Mean it Will Drink!

How frustrating is it to give solid advice to someone who says they need it [want it] but they refuse to actually take it? I'm faced with this on a daily basis, and the frustration only builds on top of itself! I know I've had many friends come to me with their life struggles, trials, and tribulations in search for the ultimate guidance. But sometimes I find that people like to hear themselves talk or even worse hand you an invitation to their pity party, because we all know one's a lonely number, and misery loves company!

Others constantly go in circles with the same issues, stuck in a revolving door of sorts. For me, and many others I know, it's difficult to see close friends and family in this position. Especially when you know the appropriated changes one can make to ensure a better quality of life. From the outside looking in, it can be so easy to diagnose the problem and suggest, what we feel, as an obvious solution. But, many people get caught up in their own term oil so deeply they are literally convinced they are nearly permanently stuck there with no outlet or evidence of light at the end of the tunnel.

This can be based on a number of different things, from a snowball of hardships, to an extreme pessimist. Regardless, I know I'm guilty of taking on others problems as if they were my own, to the point where I start to feel responsible for their unhappiness because I'm so aware of what they need to do to change their current situation or outlook. That is the wrong way to look at things. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to give others advice or guidance it doesn't mean they will actually put the work into taking it. People can hear what you are saying but they themselves have to fully arrived at a decision or a solution before they can start to act on it and incorporate it into their lives. Inevitably this causes a ripple effect of evolution and change that can assist in turning their circumstance around, but it is only effective once they have accepted the effort it will take.

So, yes, although we can lead a horse to water doesn't mean we can make it drink, they have to want to quench their own thirst, and although as horse owners we want the horse to hydrate themselves with a serious passion, our want won't out weigh their efforts or lack there of. So don't feel responsible if the horse drops dead from dehydration [ha, ok that was a harsh analogy but you get what I mean].

We All Have Baggage, But Pack Lightly

I'm not all too sure what others experiences have been, but me personally, I can say I've always managed to maintain a trust issue throughout my relationships. I know I am not alone in this [I blame it on my very first relationship in high school - ruined me!], but in all seriousness, I know many of us carry some expected and unexpected baggage into relationships. Some of it I feel is harder to let go of than others, but there is a solution for such unruliness.

First, it is important to recognize what exactly we are afraid of and what it is we have a hard time trusting someone with. Many times I've heard the fear of 'trusting' defined in the same way; whether it be cheating, tall tales, or simply feeling that person you're with is unworthy of your trust for an unknown underlying reason. Although these are sound, I believe trust can be much more complex and goes much deeper. There are many elements of trust and I will define them, here, the best I can to help you relate and perhaps to also help you become enlightened.

It is important to have security in a relationship. I know this sounds self explanatory, but you'll be surprised how many people don't have this element. It is vital to know that your partner is dependable in every aspect of the word. In my past I have come face to face with the lack of dependability and it has severed the trust I should have had with those individuals. What I mean by this is, that you have to know you are being heard and that your opinions sincerely matter. Having trust that your partner doesn't just hear you but actually listens and takes those opinions into consideration regardless of their personal logic. If you don't have that concrete notion that how you feel matters, expressing yourself becomes an endless repetition of words filled with air [incert Charlie Brown's teacher here: Whaon, whaon, whaon, whaon, whaon]. This not only dwindles down your confidence and importance inside your bond, it also dwindles down that first layer of trust with your partner. Additionally, dependability is applied emotionally, mentally, and physically. When the unexpected happens, sometimes in the worst of situations, we depend on our best friends and family to be there - in which case your partner represents both. They are just as close as family and should be your best friend, so being there (and knowing they will be there) is beyond important.

Moreover, it is important to trust that you and your partner view the foundations of your relationship similarly. This is especially so in the ethics and morals department. I know I've had my run in with people who have different definitions of flirting, inapproproiateness, and boundry lines. Obviously being on the same page is a given, but again, one that not all couples have the ability to experience. When these concepts come into question it is highly difficult to trust in someone and their judgement in particular situations or vice versa. It is imparative that the conceptual foundation of your relationship is level and that both parties see eye to eye and agree, at least in this particular case.

Do you trust yourself? By this I mean your own judgement. Do you really feel like you can't trust your partner or do you have excess baggage you're bringing into the relationship and unloading onto your spouse? Yikes! I know this can be relatively hard to determine at first, and every situation is different of course. But if you spend some time with yourself and do some self reflection [which I believe works wonders, whether you're in a relationship or not] you can more often than not get to the root of said trust issues. I know I've experienced relationships where I've felt I genuinely couldn't trust someone and also ones where I created issues that really weren't there. I suppose it acted almost as a defense mechanism, where I just couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to trust someone for fear of getting burned, just as badly if not worse than my previous experiences. Although my philospophy has always concluded that trust is earned not just given until proven otherwise, we shouldn't fall into accusations or assumptions as a result of the past. It just simply isn't fair to your current partner or to the next individual who you decide to get into a relationship with. It's not easy to give the benefit of the doubt, that's a concept I struggle with regularly, but again I think it is important to disect our past and attempt to get to the root of the problem. Then, I'd even take it a step further and make the conscious decision to sit down and discuss the layers you've peeled back with your partner. This opens up the communication highway and gives the other party a window into how you work and can better help them, and you, understand things all while gaining clarity.

I'm a firm believer in packing light when entering a relationship, it would be in everyone's best interest to keep it that way!

Forgive Me Not?

I think one of the most important things to keep in mind when struggling through a break up, is, to take a hard look at yourself. I know most of us feel angry at the other party, for all the ways they've wronged against us, but we all know that classic saying "it takes two"; and it certainly does. Although in my personal experience I've gathered one party can feel like they've been wronged far worse than the other, the string only unravels if it is tugged at each end. We all know it can be quite impossible to forget, but it is vitally important to forgive; it is the only way we are able to move on successfully.